Pop Off!

Hot 100 Report Card: 5/2/09

I’m gonna have some regular features on the blog (until I neglect them).  First off is quick reviews of all the new entries to the top 20 on the Billboard Hot 100.  Seeing as this is the first week, I had to do all of them.  Ugh, this is going to be painful.  Oh, and I’m using report card scores for all reviews on this blog.

20. Shinedown “Second Chance” - American Idol-ready “myow” ballad by a metal band.  So-so chorus melody.  The highlight is a stringed-up production that is so over-the-top it would make Steinman blush. D

19. 3OH!3 “Second Chance” - Well, it’s an acceptable over-produced electro-pop tune with snotty vox.   That is until the shouted bridge of “Shush girl/shut your lips/do the Helen Keller/and talk with your hips.”  Sorry dudez.  Helen Keller references are an immediate grade deduction. C-

18. Miley Cyrus “Hoedown Throwdown” - Oh man, this song is absurd.  Of course the Radio Disney quality is expected.  But this is straight up Nick Jr. shiz.  Miley even sounds disgusted as she speak-sings “Boom boom clap/boom de clap de clap.” F

17. Taylor Swift “Crazier” - Blech. Bad, bad, bad, pop-country.  Like, bottom of the barrel.  F

16. Taylor Swift “Love Story” - One of those schmaltzy songs that makes inappropriate literary references (Scarlet Letter?  Really?).  As far as pop-country goes, it could be worse (see “Crazier”)  But I don’t grade on a curve. D+

15. Flo Rida feat. Wynter “Sugar” - OK, Flo Rida is obviously obnoxious.  However, he keeps making songs I kinda like (or really like, in the case of last year’s “Elevator”).  And this would be up there too, if it wasn’t for the unnecessary and RIDICULOUS Eiffel 65… uh, well it’s not a sample… reference?  Oh geez, just noticed she said “This candy got you sprung.”  Was going to give you a C+ before that, but… C

14. Lady Gaga feat. Colby O’Donis “Just Dance” - If there was a little more variety, this could even be an OK electro tune.  But the guest singer just seems unnecessary and the breakdown near the end is just an energy killer rather than anything interesting. C-

13. Kelly Clarkson “My Life Would Suck Without You” - Folks (including myself) were really hoping for the next “Since U Been Gone” with this one.  Not quite.  It just doesn’t have the “edge” (obviously contrived, but still) of SUBG and the lyricals are a bit stupid.  But it’s catchy and the chorus really explodes.  BTW, what’s with the weird blow-up doll lollipop cover for this single? B-

12. Beyoncé “Halo” - Big ‘ol pop ballad with the same awesome percussion that made “Bleeding Love” not be worthless.  Unfortunately, much like “Bleeding Love,” it doesn’t have much else going for it.  Beyoncé screeches through the song, and the melody is not very compelling.  But shit, yo.  Those drums.  C+

11. All-American Rejects “Gives You Hell” - Is this really the same band that gave us “Move Along”?  Sounds like trying-way-too-hard-period Everclear.  And what’s with the soccer hooligan chorus at the end?  D

10. The Fray “You Found Me” - Absolutely terrible pop-rock in the tradition of Train and The Goo-Goo Dolls. F

9. Eminem “We Made You - Eminem’s back!  And? F

8. T.I. feat Justin Timberlake “Dead and Gone” - The rapid-fire delivery is just bizarre over the melodramatic beat.  Hook ain’t bad, but this just hangs together weird. C

7. Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain “Blame It” - The use of auto-tune through the entire song makes it hard to tell who is singing.  Not that it matters.  Terrible and totally unmemorable. F

6. Kid Cudi “Day ‘N’ Nite” - Geez, this song is like a year old.  Is this just hitting the charts now?  It’s pretty good, though a bit overhyped.  The atmosphere is totes spooksville.  B

5. Soulja Boy Tell ‘em feat. Sammie “Kiss Me Thru The Phone” - Soulja Boy is the absolutely worst rapper ever, right?  Am I correct on this?  Pretty sure I am.  Hook’s ok, and production isn’t horrible with the exception of the farting balloon sound.  But  Soulja raps on it.  So, yeah. D

4. Miley Cyrus “The Climb” - Combines two of the worst things in music: pop country and Disney production.  Strap that with a stupid sentimental message, and it’s a super-easy F

3. Flo Rida “Right Round” - A lot of people get down on Flo Rida for his commercial pandering.  But the fact is, Flo Rida has never made any bones about this.  In interviews he even said that the inspiration for this song was an A&R rep telling him he should use Dead or Alive’s “Right Round.”  You gotta love a man who’s honest that he’s just out there to make a buck.  And you know what, the song doesn’t suck.  Stupid as hell and clearly a trifle, but infectious and fun.  But really, really, really stupid.  B-

2. Lady Gaga “Poker Face” - Lady Gaga totally confuses me.  Sounds like popped out electroclash.  And looks a Fischerspooner backup dancer.  How the hell are teenage girls into this?  But I guess I’ll go along with that.  It’s got a lot going for it and tons of fun little quirks.  But like “Just Dance,” gets a little annoying by the end. B-

1. Black Eyed Peas “Boom Boom Pow” - What?  This is weird.  10 points for totally confusing me, but minus a million for still managing to be a shitty Black Eyed Peas song. D

Class average: D+

If you didn’t notice, though I love good pop music more than basically anything, I still think most of it really, really sucks.

Pop Off: da blag

So what’s this?  It’s a blog about pop music.  I’m a guy who formerly only listened to indie shit but now listens to a lot of pop too.  But I’m just as snobby about pop as I was about indie.

I like:

• Robyn
• ABBA
• “Toxic”
• Kish Kash
• The Avalanches
• Swedish music
• when a chorus explodes out of a verse
• Half of both Rihanna’s and Nelly Furtado’s last albums
• feat. T.I.